If I live. . .again
I don't write when I am inspired, I write when I feel like God is yelling at me. I am His hands and I am His feet. These hands should be moving and these feet should be running. Instead tears run down my face and I am paralyzed. I don't do bad, but I don't do good either. This makes me the same as the rest of them, and I want to be different. This is why I'm writing you, because I want you to be different too.
I opened up an email from someone in pain two nights ago. I didn't know if she was dead or alive. Her note said she had already taken two bottles of pills and it was too late. She wrote it Sunday night and I didn't see it until Monday. She asked me if she would go to hell for killing herself and told me she loves her daughter so much and my family too, because we are good Christians. I tried her phone and I got her voicemail. She lives out of state. This is the only contact I have. I prayed that she was alive. I know God loves her very much and so do her daughters. I want her to live.
I am the wrong person to send a suicide note. I love people. Seriously, I do. To extremes. I just hate hate hate hate hate hate when people leave. So does the Lord. I can prove it.
Ok, I can't prove it. I can't even prove to you that God exists. Although I have a very difficult time looking up into the infinite heavens and out into the star filled sky and denying anything. God is a personal friend of mine. He picked me up and turned me around and let me tell you what my life looked like before, stupid. Anyway, I'm better, and getting better, and so should you.
Number one, If you are thinking about suicide, call someone. 1(800)-784-2433. Reach out. It is not ever the right answer. Quite frankly, if you can't think of anything good in your life to keep you living, call me. (512) 925-0917. I will at least make you laugh and lighten your mood enough to get you to call someone who knows what they are talking about. Or you can live with me and I will make you thankful for your life. Life with me is not easy, just ask my husband of ten years. You deserve to want to live. Ending your life is a mistake. It is a brutal lie that rips the living apart for the rest of their lives. You deserve to live a joy-filled life.
So I wrote my friend who I grew up with. I am praying for her too. My parents love her. I told her that her life matters. It does. It matters to me, it matters to her children and her husband, and it matters to God. There is nothing more true than this. You matter to God. Do you know this? Because you do. He made you in His image and for a purpose. Jesus bought you with His life, and you deserve to live for Him. A life full of Jesus is rewarding in a way that would blow your mind.
On to the next heart ache of the moment. . .
This week I got a text from my brother telling me he had a heart attack. Years of drug and alcohol abuse are taking their toll on his body. I dropped to my knees. I prayed and I cried. I am not sure if he knows how much I love him. He is one of my favorites and it breaks me down. His life means something great to me. He makes us laugh in ways that are ridiculous. I've talked to him several times and my kids call and give him pep talks. They love him so much. I want him to live. Really live.
Why do we sell ourselves short? I do it too. We have this great big ol' life available to us, and we settle for a life that stinks. We don't try very hard and we hide in a small corner of the Earth, in our home full of stuff that matters not. We have big jobs so that we can buy big things that really have no meaning. It is time to invest in the unseen. It's time to live a joy-filled life.
I spent last week in Longview, Texas, cleaning out my grandmother's home. It was bittersweet sleeping in a home where I spent so much of my childhood, where my mom and her brothers grew up, knowing that chapter in our lives is closing. My grandmother can no longer live there, so we cleaned out and cleaned out and cleaned out and my back hurts. She wants to stay there where my grandfather used to be, where his clothes still remain, but she can't. Life is short. She wants to live.
Last week was heavy. I've been so angry at my brother. I want him to know that there is so much life left to be lived. I feel like this is a turning point, and he's got to want to change. I went through old photos from my childhood where my brothers and I were so young and happy and innocent. I want that time back. I want that feeling back. So what is this hinging on? It's hinging on you and me. I've decided to go forth with hope like a super-hero and conquer this world. I want to have a life that is full of so much hope it makes my head spin. My daughter called a homeless man across two lanes of traffic today to offer him hope. That is what I'm talking about. It is time to step up and say no to thoughts of depression and suicide. They are not worth your time. If you really love people who are on this planet, then you will stick it out and figure out how to survive. Life shouldn't be about you anyway. It is about learning to live for someone other than you. This is what makes it good.
I don't want to open any more suicide notes, and there is no such thing as a good Christian. We are all clinging to hope, and clinging to the robe of Jesus who paid for us, who intervenes for us, who lived and died for us. He paid a price for me and I will never live up to it. I want to be different though. I want to give hope. I want to help. I want to open messages that say you are doing better.
Place your life and your hope in Jesus. He placed you here on Earth on purpose, to be a life giver. Please do not let depression end you. Don't even give it this day. There is nothing greater than giving your moments to the Lord and finding out why you are here. Life is so short. There is no reason to live without joy, when joy is here. You are here. Tell someone you love them. Put your pride down and work it out. Pray for those who hurt you. Love your neighbor. Do something good for someone you love. Open your eyes to the needs around you.
Ask for help. I assure you, whatever it is that is hurting you is not big enough to end you. There is always hope. Always.
Romans 8:18 Yet what we suffer now is nothing compared to the glory he will reveal to us later. For all creation is waiting eagerly for that future day when God will reveal who his children really are.
We need you Lord. We needed you yesterday and we need you tomorrow. Please suffocate us with your presence. Come into our homes, ride with us in the car. Lord protect our thoughts and remind us that you are in charge. Lord, I pray for my family, and the families of those who are reading this that are broken. We are broken, Lord. We need you to pick up the pieces and put us back together. You created the universe. You cause the sun to set and the moon to rise. You created us in your image, Lord. This is nothing for you. We love you and we will continue to worship you for the rest of our lives. Walk us out of the darkness and bring us into the light. Remind us of how good you are. Thank you for your son and thank you for this life. Thank you for the blessing we see and those we don't recognize. Move our hearts to do good.
*UPDATE*
My friend did not die. She lives. Thank you, Jesus. She is alive and well. A mother to her daughter, a wife to her husband.
My brother, who is one of my favorites in the world, has now been sober coming up on a year. To say it is miraculous is an understatement. After 42 years, he went to rehab. WHAT!? Minds are blown, Lord. Thank you for hope.
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