For the LORD sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the LORD looks on the heart.” Samuel 16:7

Most of you do not know, or maybe you do, my grandmother lives in our home and is in hospice care. My mother takes care of her pretty much 24/7, and I have the freedom to come in and talk with her, help out a little bit, and walk right out of the door. Meanwhile, my mom is constantly by her side. She is unable to get up, which means she eats, drinks, bathes, talks and watches tv all in the same spot, unless we help her get into her wheelchair which she is no longer able to do. She's been unable to walk for at least a year. As I type at midnight, I hear her talking. I cleaned her up about 30 minutes ago and sat with her for a while. She told me she was tired, so I pulled up her covers and turned off the light. Life is such a beautiful mysterious thing.

Flashback to earlier today, and yesterday, and pretty much all week, my mom is painfully grieving. Her mom stopped eating this week, and we know it won't be long until she is no longer with us. She pulled me outside as if to apologize for her constant tears and said, "I know she is going to be ok. I know it will be fine, but I am really going to miss her." I've heard her ask her mom so many questions this week, as memories flash through her mind of moments that she will never have again.

Grandmother is seriously talking up a storm right now as I type. I took a break to check on her and she told me she needed a plug for her shoe. Then she told me not to tell my man or he would be mad at her. The brain is an incredible thing, we don't realize how much we need it until it begins to fade.

Life flashes like lightning and then it's over. I sit and stare at her because she has no more decisions to make. Her life is in God's hands and she influences through memories now. I remember the sound of the blinker in her Buick as we pulled up to my granddad's insurance agency. She let us run in and get a snack from the vending machine. I remember how much she loved her husband and always called him a jackass or a turd bird when she was furious at him. Then she would apologize for her language and we laughed. She was real. I remember how hard she worked to keep my grandfather's business afloat. I remember her faith did not waiver.  I remember how dear she is to so many. Just so kind. I know how much her children and grandchildren love her.

"You are the salt of the earth, but if salt has lost its taste, how shall its saltiness be restored? It is no longer good for anything except to be thrown out and trampled under people's feet. You are the light of the world. A city set on a hill cannot be hidden. Nor do people light a lamp and put it under a basket, but on a stand, and it gives light to all in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father who is in heaven."

Her life matters and I'm thankful for her. She lived long and full and I'd say not one person in the entire world disliked her. She was a light in the darkness. That's incredible.

I wrote everything before this sentence weeks ago. Many people reached out this week just to comfort and give hope and I appreciate it. Grandmother is in the final stages of life. She hasn't spoken in a few days or eaten in 18. Her breathing is loudly rattled tonight. I'm trying to stay joyful in the sadness. Celebrate the life. Ask God for hope for my tomorrow. For purpose. For Peace. To comfort my mom.

Death is wretched. It is painful to watch.

Today was also Heidi's 7th birthday. She was so excited yesterday she ran out of school yelling, "Tomorrow is my birthday!!" and pinched everyone in her path. When I told her to stop pinching she said she couldn't help it. She was too excited. She woke up so happy and went to bed laughing and giggling, thinking about her birthday. She lives. Utterly happy to be alive. She is such a joy to us. 

My kids know their great-grandmother is dying. They can walk into her room any time. It does not scare them. They know she is going to see her family. Her mom and dad and their great-granddaddy. Children are incredible. They see the world as a continuum where the seen and unseen are easily understood.

The funeral was yesterday. Held in the church where she was married, in a small town in East Texas called Bettie. The same church her daddy passed away in on the back row on a sunny Sunday morning.  It was a joyful hour. Dad spoke of  her being with a God so loving He hid Moses in the cleft of the rock as He passed by. Moses wanted to see Him, but He knew Moses' Earthly body could not withstand seeing a God so full of goodness and light. Greater than anything on this planet, pushing the limits of our understanding just enough for us to want to see more. I want to see more. I want to see God. I want to know what this life is. Friends and family stood and told stories of how lovely Dorothy June Holmes was. She was talented, creative and kind. She focused on the good in people. A lesson I need.  Her niece stood and read a letter her dad wrote about his sister.  He loved her so much.

Don't get me wrong, we had moments of great sadness. Hearing my mom and her brothers weep on the front row is awfully difficult. They have such a love for their mother. 

I'm proud of my mom for loving so much. For loving people really. A hope for new life. It is a good thing. It's something from the Lord. 

Life is so short. We've got to start living. It's really time to start living.  


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